


Fanatics

by pathera



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Fangirls, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 12:46:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pathera/pseuds/pathera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Draco face down their most deadly foes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fanatics

**Author's Note:**

> This fic right here is _old_. According to its publish date on FFN it's from January of 2009. o.O Anyway, it is one I'm moving over, and has been slightly edited but kept mostly as it was. Also, unapologetic crack.

“That door is _not_ going to hold.”

As a matter of fact, the door was starting to splinter, unable to hold strong against the forces pounding on the other side of it. Soon enough it would break, letting the hordes pour in. To put it most accurately, they were screwed.  

“For the record,” Draco Malfoy, Prince—and Sex God—of Slytherin, stated, “this is your fault.”

 _“Excuse_ me?” His companion, Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizarding World and Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn’t-Die, said, his eyes narrowed. “You cannot possibly pin this all on me.”

Draco smirked. “Oh, but I can Potter.”

Harry folded his arms, staring down the blonde. “How, exactly, is this my fault?”

“I was following you, and where did you take us? To this death trap.”

Harry scowled. “I didn’t see you coming up with any bright ideas, Malfoy. You were too busy screaming like a banshee. And we wouldn’t have needed to run if you had just _listened_ to me.”

Draco drew himself up, his nose in the air, every inch a pompous pureblood. “I did not _scream_ , Potter.”

“Yes you did.”

Draco sniffed. “I will not resort to such childish arguments.”

“Oh, get down off your high and mighty pedestal, Malfoy.”

“Potter, would you like me to just open this door and shove you out?”

Harry glared at him. “Malfoy, if you open that door we’re done. They won’t be content with me; they’ll grab you before you even have time to channel your inner girl scream.”

Draco sneered back. “You’re pushing it, Potter.”

There was a particularly loud thud and the door gave an ominous groan; both men flinched away, drawing closer together and eyeing the door, the argument dying away. They heard screaming and flinched again.

“There’s no other exit.” Draco said slowly.

“And the anti-apparation wards are still up from the war.”

“So we’re bloody trapped. Completely and utterly trapped.” Draco scowled and pulled his wand from his pocket. He leaned against the wall behind him, twirling his wand through his fingers and staring at the slowly-but-surely breaking door, his jaw set. “Think we could get away with putting a hole through this wall?”

Harry stared at him, arms folded across his chest. “Are you insane?” Draco arched an eyebrow and Harry sighed. “Tom would kill us.” He paused. “Actually, correction. He would kill you.” He tilted his head to the side. “Considering that…go ahead.”

“In your dreams, Potter.” Draco shot back. “Although, this probably is one of your dreams, isn’t it? Having me trapped in a room all to yourself? So _that’s_ why you lead me here. Kinky.”

“Shut up, Malfoy.”

The door groaned and splintered. It was moments away from breaking open and there were screams on the other side.

Draco stared, a calculating gleam in his eyes. “How many of them do you think there are?”

Harry shrugged, inching back into a corner. “Fifty?”

“I think we could take them.”

“Malfoy, there’s two of us. There’s fifty of them.”

“Scared?”

“Considering that they followed us through Diagon Alley, into the Leaky Cauldron, and are breaking down the door, yes.”

“Wimp.”

“Prick.”

The door splintered a little more and Harry tried to will himself invisible. He shot a nasty glare at Draco.

“You just had to kiss me in the middle of Diagon Alley, didn’t you?”

Draco scowled. “Well I didn’t expect that.” He said, waving a hand at the hole in the door, through which the horde of fangirls could be seen.

Harry shook his head. “Idiot. You aren't worth this.”

“Like hell I'm not. I’ll remind you how much when we get the hell out of this, so just shut up and get your wand ready. We’re not going down without a fight.”

“I don’t think that they want to kill us, per say….”

“Just maim. And drool over. And try to capture us for their insane pleasure.” Draco shuddered. “I will never be reduced to that! Never!”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Melodramatic much?”

The door gave way with a final crack, falling to the ground, the hordes of screaming fangirls rushing in like a tidal wave bearing down upon the shore.

Draco frantically cast stunning charms but they kept rushing inwards, surrounding him. He pushed himself as far against the wall as he could and Harry did the same.

Green eyes met gray over the heads of the fangirls. “Malfoy, if we don’t make it out of this alive, I just want you to know….”

“That you love me, blah blah blah. Who’s being melodramatic now?”

“That’s not what I wanted to say.” Harry cast one look at the hordes—they were far more frightening than Voldemort could ever have hoped to be—and then looked back at Draco. He took a deep breath. “Draco, I’m pregnant.”

There was a moment of stunned silence, when all of the shrill screaming stopped. Then, as one, every fangirl dropped to the ground in a dead faint, eyes rolling up into their heads as they proverbially melted into puddles of goo. The two wizards stood in the wreckage, Draco staring at Harry as though he had grown another head.

Harry nudged the nearest girl with his foot, looking down in interest. “Huh. Never thought that would actually work.”

“That was a joke, right?” Draco said, his voice strained and unusually high-pitched.

Harry rolled his eyes. “Does someone need to explain the nuances of reproduction to you again?”

Draco shot him a patented Malfoy-Death-Glare and grabbed him by the collar, practically dragging him out of the room.

“Let’s get the hell out of here before they wake up,” he said.

“Good plan.” Harry agreed. “And, for the record? I am never going out in public with you again.”

“Agreed.”

The two wizards made a hasty retreat, and the fangirls woke up to find that their prey had slipped from their clutches.

Oh, but fangirls have long memories and infinite patience.

They would wait and they would plot and they would plan for that moment when the wizards let their guard down.

Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy would not escape so easily again.


End file.
